I don't know how to do it. It just never seems to go well. I try to balance multiple families; I try to make both happy, but somehow, in the end, I seem to disappoint everyone. You know how they say that if you tell someone something long enough, they begin to believe it? Well, at this point in my life (as the sum of my feelings), I am fairly certain that I just disappoint people all the time. I don't hang out with my friends enough, my family feels that I make poor decisions about being with them, my girlfriend feels that I choose my friends over her (the same friends that already feel that I neglect them), and when I want "my time", pretty much everyone feels that that is selfish. I basically go through my day waiting to make the "wrong choices" knowing that it is only a matter of time and not a question of occurrence.
Frankly, I don't think it is any surprise that I love my work and the gym so much. When it comes to work and the gym, the only one that I can disappoint (for the most part) is myself. There is huge comfort to that - to knowing that disappointment is in some way controllable. I suppose that that is akin to the people who cut themselves because it makes them feel in control. I suppose ColdFusion is my blade and the computer is my "happy place."
The worst part of it is that I deeply love all the people who want me to be part of their lives. But, that only goes to make it worse. It's one thing to disappoint people and it's another thing to always feel like you are disappointing the ones you love.
I went through my last relationship feeling that way all the time. I had though that it was because of the incompatibilities within the relationship itself, but what I am now coming to realize is that the relationship was just the medium for "instantiation" at the time; the relationship wasn't the cause of the feelings, it was merely an expressive outlet.
I don't know what to do about it. I feel lost and my stomach feels horrible. I feel like a bad person. And worst of all, I feel like bad person.
Sorry to be talking like this around the holidays. I guess it is a cry for help... or at least for some sound advice from people who have been around the block more than I have.