Are All Passionate People Selfish?
Posted November 27, 2006 at 8:38 AM
I am extremely passionate about my work with ColdFusion. I don't just leave it at the office and then live the rest of my life, detached from work. I am constantly going over problems in my head. During lulls in conversation, my mind often switches over to the task of problem solving; how can I better perform a task, what should I look into next, ooh that would be a good topic to write about. There is a definite level of selfishness to how I handle myself. Because of my dedication to work, I am less available to my friends, my family, even to my girlfriend.
My question is, is it possible to be passionate about anything in life and not be selfish about it? I come from a family of very passionate people. My dad loved his work and as a result would work 14 hour days (I saw him on the weekends). My mom is an amazing artist and will often paint all day. My brother is a school principle and get's to work even earlier than I DO! (he gets to work at 6am)! My other brother and his wife are both doctors and I know there have been times where they only see each other a few days out of the week (due to scheduling). Are these selfish actions? Are these passionate actions?
I know that some people become less passionate because as they get older, they learn to value "face time" over "passion time"; meaning, they would rather spend time with their family and friends rather than spend time with their passion. But, often times, I find this mentality is coupled with an underlying frustration - people will add sentiments like "Who's going to remember how you code anyway?" or even "Which are you going to regret more when you die? Not working enough or not spending enough time with your family?" To me, this has more of a feeling of defeat rather than a feeling of appropriate priorities.
Now, I am not saying that spending time with your family is wrong. I love my family very much and I love being with them. In fact, I love them so much that I don't feel that they ever did anything wrong. I never felt that they weren't around enough or didn't spend enough time with us. I am awed by the collective passion that my family has - the amazing drive and outstanding work ethic. I am proud to come from their blood.
I know that I am sort of rambling on at this point. I think part of that comes from my own conflicts regarding my passions. I love ColdFusion, I love working out and I love dedicated time to these activities. But, at the same time, I feel guilty about doing so. I feel selfish. I guess, my point here is that, to a good degree, being passionate and being selfish have to go hand in hand.
Perhaps the real question is, what is going to make you happier in the long run? Being dedicated to your passions? Or being dedicated to "other stuff" (what ever you feel the trade offs are). And, this then begs the question, do you base your actions on your happiness or the hapiness of others?
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Reader Comments
Ben -
One can have more than 1 passion, so create another passion (ie., family/friends) and be single focused on that item at that moment. I love my computer profession (last 25+ years) but I learned early on, if I forget about work even for a couple hours, the solution will come to me without thinking. I think it helps prevent burn-out and stimulates creativity.
Posted by Patrick Whittingham on Nov 27, 2006 at 9:39 AM
Patrick,
I whole heartedly agree. I have several passions. Unfortunately, not all of them get the same attention. But yes, it does go far to help burn out. All I need are a few more hours in the day :)
Posted by Ben Nadel on Nov 27, 2006 at 9:43 AM
Stop being a workaholic your whole life and enjoy life. Life is not all about work and money, it is about spending time with your family. Thats the problem with America, is that there are so many workaholics in this country and no one knows how to enjoy life anymore.
Posted by Cf Guy on Nov 27, 2006 at 10:02 AM
Careful though, your statement makes the assumption that Family is the only thing that makes people happy, or rather that working does not. My work makes me incredibly happy - it is part of the way that I do enjoy life.
Posted by Ben Nadel on Nov 27, 2006 at 10:05 AM
Work does make people happy. Unfortunately, not everyone can work in what they really want too so we should be fortunate for what we have. I think the point the commenter above was trying to make is that with so much work that we can't forget about what is truly important besides ourselves and our own successes: our family and friends. As I was taught by my parents: "You work to live, but you don't live to work".
Posted by Javier Julio on Nov 27, 2006 at 10:24 AM
Ben,
I like the Garden Analogy... If you get too fascinated with the orchids, the dandelions will perish from neglect. Who needs dandelions you ask? Well, it wouldn't be a garden without them, now would it? And you'll miss them when they're gone.
Mind the garden, Ben.
Posted by Jay Greer on Nov 27, 2006 at 10:38 AM
Javi,
It's funny, my old boss used to say the same exact thing.
Also, I understand that not everyone can do for work what they love. I also understand that as people grow and get older, their priorities change. But also, I bring up work, because that is what I am very passionate about, but I am talking about passion in general. This might be painting, it might be surfing, it might be hiking, you know, whatever your "passion" is.
Let's think a moment about the completely unrealistic movie, Point Break, starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. In that movie, Patrick Swayze was a surfing enthusiast, and in the end sacrifices his life for the ultimate wave ride. I bring this up because it is completely NON-WORK related (and I think work clouds a lot of people's minds). Surfing is what made him happy. That is what he lived for. That was his passion.... that was what was truly important to him.
You can apply this to families as well. You can be VERY passionate about your family. It is what makes you happy. But isn't that also selfish? What happens when your friends or extended family want to be around you, but you are too busy with your family? This is the same passion pointed towards a different subject matter.
I think the point of passion and selfishness is moot. That was my original exploration. But, I think they are tied together inherently. The real question then becomes... is this a bad thing? Is this a negative selfishness?
Posted by Ben Nadel on Nov 27, 2006 at 10:40 AM
Well when I said family I also consider my friends and extended family, my actual family. They are very important to me. I don't think what you have mentioned would be a negative selfishness. You have to certainly take the bad with the good but I've seen many people have a lot of passion for what they do, especially you. I think it becomes a negative selfishness when you forget about the important people in life. When you forget the others that have helped you and supported you get to where you are. There's nothing wrong though at all with being passionate about your work. We are all perfectionists in our own way.
Posted by Javier Julio on Nov 27, 2006 at 11:12 AM
Great post Ben. Good questions to ask and not only once, but every so often to make sure you are happy where you are. And as you say, your priorities will change. Now that I find myself with a wife and 3 children, mine definitely have.
I'm in the midst of some life changing situations (changing jobs, possibly moving) partially because I've been too much of a work-a-holic and haven't had time for my family. There is nothing wrong with being passionate about your work. The great thing about your line of work (programming) is that it is challenging and always different. It would be a bit harder for someone to be as passionate about flipping burgers.
However, I believe that variety is the spice of life. Don't spend too much time in front of the computer without taking a walk, hanging out at a coffee shop with friends or family, reading a book, etc. Missing out on other parts of life would be the only negative side of too much passion for work. Heck, even going to CFUGs or conferences or mentoring someone can be a break from the code, but still in your passion's focus.
Posted by Matt Williams on Nov 27, 2006 at 11:22 AM
Matt,
I agree. Variety is the spice of life. I love to hike but have not had time to hike (for reasons that go outside of work). Over thanks giving, I went on a short family hike and it was a BLAST! I realized how much I miss it. I would really like to get back into it. But again, finding the time for "me" stuff is always hard as I have to integrate with many other parts of life.
Posted by Ben Nadel on Nov 27, 2006 at 11:26 AM
Read "Atlas Shrugged". This question is a central theme of that great novel.
Posted by Brian Kotek on Nov 27, 2006 at 11:31 AM
I have been meaning to get to it! Atlas Shrugged is actually my father's favorite book of all time. Some months ago I listened to The Foutainhead and found it to be terrific! I will get my hands on Atlas Shrugged. Thanks for reminding me :D
Posted by Ben Nadel on Nov 27, 2006 at 11:49 AM
I think life should be structured so BOTH can happen. You only live once, make the most of it in every way one can. To get more face time with my nephews I am teaching them CF.
Posted by John Allen on Nov 27, 2006 at 11:59 AM
Brian - "Atlas Shrugged" and "The Fountainhead" are both books by Ayn Rand that posit "the virtue of selfishness". Both are must reads.
Ben - you seem to be confusing passion and obsession. You can be passionate about something without it dominating your life. Like most things in life, balance is the key. If you become too focused on any one thing, you lose perspective and inevitably there is unintended fallout.
Posted by Gus on Nov 27, 2006 at 12:34 PM
Gus,
You make a good point regarding passion vs. obsession. I think obsession does have negative consequences. I would say that there is little difference between obsession and addiction. If it seems that I am confused by the two... then I would say that I am not sure where I fall along the spectrum (hence the confusion, perhaps). I tried to go to a workaholics meeting once time (but couldn't find the right address). I don't feel that I am addicted to my work - but on the other hand, it does invigorate me.
To be honest, I have never found it hard to integrate my passion for work and the rest of my life, with one exception: girl friends. I don't mean this in a negative way, but having a girlfriend is like having a second job (in terms of level of commitment). Most any other relationship can be intermittent - you can see a friend every few days or weeks, see family when it is time... but a girlfriend requires the same consistency as work. I find it hard to balance work + girlfriend + everything else i love to do.
Thanks to everyone for their thoughts on the issue.
Posted by Ben Nadel on Nov 27, 2006 at 12:43 PM
Balance... I have to be honest that sums it up best and if anything it's what I was trying to point out. Wonderfully said Gus!
On a side note Ben I'm not receiving emails when someone else posts a comment to this blog although I'm subscribed. When you make a comment I do receive an email. Also I never understood why I get an email for the comments I make (including this one)?
Posted by Javier Julio on Nov 27, 2006 at 12:53 PM
Javi,
That is strange that you only receive the emails when you or I post. Is that just for this thread? Or for other posts that you have subscribed to?
As far as getting the emails for the first post and every subsequent posts, I do this as I think it creates a nice email thread. I use GMail (but I assume this would work for Outlook as well) so all of these emails get grouped under the same subject. I can look at all of the messages and see what the earlier conversations were. If I didn't include the poster's message then the email thread would be incomplete, and looking back on it, it would not be obvious where you were making comments, or where people were responding to your comments.
I did this as a feature but if it bother people, I can take it out.
Posted by Ben Nadel on Nov 27, 2006 at 1:41 PM
Gus, I know. That's why I said it. ;-)
Posted by Brian Kotek on Nov 27, 2006 at 3:46 PM
Virtue Of Selfishness has just been added to the iPod. I have had it for a long time, just haven't had time to rip it off the CD. It will make due until I can locate Atlas Shrugged.
Posted by Ben Nadel on Nov 27, 2006 at 3:48 PM
As one person said earlier when you have kids and your own family things get shuffled around some.
I could code, be creative and work on marketing and business stuff all day and all night -- and do many days. What I find difficult to do however is to switch gears some days ... walk away at the end of the "business day", eat dinner and be a dad without thinking about work for a few hours. It hard when you love what you do. I love being a Dad but as I said it is hard to shut that piece of me down.
It usually take me 2 full days of little work to no work to detox and relax.
Posted by Brian on Nov 27, 2006 at 9:41 PM
when I stop thinking or doing any programming outside of work my skills improved greatly,
its all about the brain soaking up what it can, over using it takes it longer to soak up knowledge and think more logically
well for me and others I've talked to anyway
Posted by M@ on Nov 28, 2006 at 6:54 AM
Ben: Part of your 'girlfriend problem' might also be related to your choice of using 'Skin Spider' to express your passion!
Posted by Gus on Nov 28, 2006 at 7:50 AM
Gus,
Interesting idea. However, my issues of life-balance pre-date Skin Spider. More over, I think you are confusing the application that is Skin Spider with the video content that it indexes. Skin Spider as an outlet for passion is purely ColdFusion and problem solving related. I use Skin Spider as a romantic outlet no more than I use my Girlfriend as a programming outlet (which is to say, not at all).
Posted by Ben Nadel on Nov 28, 2006 at 8:01 AM
Passion and Selfishness do not always walk hand-in-hand. While it is quite rare, you don't have to be selfish to have a passion or devote yourself to something passionately. Being a Christian is the best example because as I devote myself to Christ and live out my passion for Christ, it makes me less selfish, more selfless. I can not help but reach out and touch the lives of others because of my passion for Him. His Passion inspires me, and my Passion is a sacrificial one that gives instead of takes. It's an odd irony, but in this one aspect--Love for others--passion is not about you, but about your neighbor.
Posted by Paul on Jan 12, 2008 at 3:44 PM
@Paul,
I think religion is a very special case because it is through NOT being selfish that you can actually realize your passion. I don't want to say that religion is not a *learned* skill, but for lack of a better word (no offense is meant), this is not how other areas of expertise work.
For example, if I wanted to be an expert at nuclear physics, I would say that this is not something that could be achieved through giving my time to others. Of course, you can learn from others, but I think much of it would require studying, attending schools, conferences, reading books, and many other activities that were very self-centered.
So, while religion does present a very interesting scenario, I believe it to be the exception and not the norm.
Posted by Ben Nadel on Jan 13, 2008 at 11:24 AM
